I grew up in a Christian family and I thank God for that! However, church attendance was off and on. One of my earliest memories was when I was in 2nd grade, on a Wednesday night, after service my sister, mom and I went into the church office and were told how we could get saved. At that point though, I think I just was going along with everyone because it just seemed like something I was supposed to do and I didn't quite understand it.
*fasts forward 6 years* My youth group went on teen trips often. They were the highlight of my summer! In 2003, we went to Nassau, Bahamas to visit and work with a church there. I recall at the end of the trip, it was the closing ceremony and I really felt convicted about not being saved (lol we weren't even talking about salvation at that particular time, which was why I was so puzzled). I had believed that I was saved since that time in 2nd grade, so I just kept trying to convince myself that I was, but my whole disposition for the night changed. As we got on the van to leave, all I could think about was, "If this van gets in an accident on the way to our house, I'm going to die and go to hell -___-" Wouldn't be a shame to have grown up knowing how to get saved and not do so and then die and wake up in hell? *shutters*
So we got to where we were staying and I mustered up enough strength to tell one of the youth workers that I wasn't saved. The church I've grown up in as never shyed away from teaching about how we need to be saved and how to do it, so I knew what I had to do. I knew the scriptures. I knew what the Bible said. Rather than having a worker with me, I asked one of my best friends to pray with me. I told her, "I want you to have a crown in Heaven, so come pray with me and talk to me about how to get saved." lol. So we went into one of the rooms at the house and I prayed and got saved!
That was SUCH an exciting time for me! I remember going home and getting rid of all of my secular music, throwing away immodest clothes, and asking my parents to send me to Christian school instead of the public high school I would attend lol. Sadly, I allowed myself to give in to peer pressures and worldly temptations, and despite being a Christian and knowing right from wrong, I let my teenage years get the best of me and got involved in all types of mess (Those are stories for other days lol). WHOOOO CHIL'! My craziness and years of rebellion continued into my college years, and got somewhat worse, as I was away from the shelter of my Christian family and had all types of freedom to do what I wanted (I wore the craziest of clothes, went to ratchet parties, "dated" the scummiest of scumbags, and on and on and on). My reputation... down the drain.
The summer going into my senior year of college (last year), I was at our church youth conference, as a youth worker. A few months prior I decided I needed to make some changes in my life, but at the conference one of our pastors preached a PROFOUND message that has stuck with me since. It was about a girl in the Bible and basically how nothing much is really known about her besides descriptors that were in relation to her father's spirtual life. My pastor went on to say that sometimes when we grow up in Christian homes, we rely on our parents for our spiritual needs and growth instead of having a strong relationship with God on our own. So at that time, I decided I was going to really put forth effort to grow spiritually, not because my parents made me, but because I understood what God had brought me through and that I needed to move forward spiritually instead of backsliding and being a
My senior year in college was completely different than my other years. I no longer indulged in the things that I had in the past. Ironically, these were the best 2 semesters grade-wise lol. Go figure. Not to mention, I was stress free and grew up so much. Before my senior year, I probably went to church a handful of times those 3 years. Once I decided to do better and not have to rely on Mommy, I made it to church every Sunday (except for one Sunday). I even got over my fear of driving on country roads at night and attended Wednesday Bible study lol.
*fast forward to March 2011* As I continued to grow spiritually, I realized that I needed to get out of my college environment in order for me to grow. I had the opportunity to complete my final semester from home and did so. This allowed me to become much more active in my home church. I joined the choir, but the thing that I've enjoyed most is being a Sunday School teacher. However, the more I got involved in church, the more I began to question if I was saved or not. I convinced myself that since I couldn't remember the exact words of my prayer and because I didn't work with a youth worker, that I wasn't saved. I then reflected on all of the mess that was my high school and college years, and convinced myself I wasn't saved.
One Sunday, I saw that my lesson was to teach on salvation. It was so random but isn't that just like God?! We had gone from a 4 week unit on Esther to a 1 week lesson on salvation and then it was going to be a 4 week unit on something else. As I began to prepare to teach, I felt even more convicted about the state of my salvation and knew I couldn't be a hypocrite and teach, when I was unsure of my salvation, myself. I felt so guilty and nervous that I made myself sick, to the point that I didn't even feel well enough to teach that day. I sat out.
So after our pastor preached, we had an invitation and he asked, "If you are not 100% sure that if you were to die today, that you would go to Heaven, raise your hand." And I was 90% sure that I was saved lol. But when it comes to eternal life, I needed there not to be a 10% chance that I was going to Hell lol.
*To make a long story longer* I privately spoke with some of the women at my church and told them I wasn't sure whether or not I wasn't saved, but I didn't tell my mom because I was embarassed. After having to admit that my time in 2nd grade was a true time of salvation for me, I was so ashamed about having to admit that I maybe wasn't saved, for a second time. Welp. One of the women told my mom, so she talked with me after church service. So I told her why I thought I wasn't saved, and she simply said, "Salvation wasn't intended to be this long intricate ordeal. It's too simple for you to overthink it and have doubts or think that you have lost it."
She reiterated with a verse that sticks with me:
"For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved."-Romans 10:13
She also printed off some literature for me to read, and I realized that I was trusting in salvation to be a feeling, when it's not. Feelings change all the time. One minute you're happy; one minute you're not. Salvation is a fact. If you forget the words that you prayed, that's okay. The point is that you believe in Jesus Christ, not that you said certain words or said other ones.
The Bible clearly shows that if we truly believe that we are sinners, Jesus Christ died, was buried, and rose again, and we believe in Him, then we are saved. No ifs, ands, or buts about it! I was also forgetting that when Jesus died for the sins of mankind, it was for our sins; past, present and future. So yeah, despite being saved, I've messed up, but that's why the Bible speaks of repentance and confessing our sins.
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